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Submitted on
January 20, 2013
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In this world as we know it
No human will ever be free
Truly free

Slavery is lessoned
But the past will forever haunt
Never free of bad memories
And still racism will haunt
Never will it end

Even in the fašade of peace
We are not free
Judgment of others
Social standings and wealth
And being told what to do
Where to go
What to be

In our own homes
We're trapped from the start
The teachings and influence of those around us
Swaying our minds one way or another
Never will our thoughts be truly free

Imagine none of these restrictions
Are we yet free?
No
It still comes down to the basics of life
Our physical limitations
We cannot fly freely among the birds
Nor swim with the whales in the open sea
But say we could
We're still confined
By mortality.

The day the world ends
Will be the day
Humans are truly free.
Finally a new poem!
I've been thinking about this for a while. Hopefully I hit all the points I had in my chaotic head. I haven't looked this over, edited it, or anything, as with all my poems, so let me know if I should improve on it or not. (:
Thanks for reading.
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:iconaqua-breeze:
Aqua-Breeze Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
AMEN.
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:iconautumnnight714:
AutumnNight714 Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Student Writer
(:
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:iconarandommoon:
ArandomMoon Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The theme is one I believe everyone has thought about at one point in their lives. I know I have. Maybe that's why this really touched me. However, I do agree with ~Kinglorshi. The message was what touched me. Not the writing style. (Sorry. The way I phrased that sounded really mean and worser than it seems. ^^)
In the second stanza, the way you put "Haunt' TWICE at the end of a line even though this piece isn't a poem just doesn't work.
I think the third and fourth stanza should be switched just because of that line "Even in the facade of peace." (By the way, is facade spelled with a š?)
You need a smoother transition instead of just saying "Imagine none of these restrictions."
...Well, that's all that't coming to my mind right now. I think that once you revise this, it'll immediately have a better flow. But anyways, I'm so not lying when I said this piece is really passionate and touches me.
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:iconkinglorshi:
Kinglorshi Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
Critique:
I cannot say this poem really captured my imagination (even though it is a theme I think about so that may be why), but the message is truthful and very good. I found that the imagery, while nice, was out of place, but that is perhaps because it wasn't consistent, and it came at the very end. I think I suffer from this as well, but I that is what I felt when I read it.

Opinion: Liked it, more of what I like in terms of theme, etc, rather than a fantastical description of "I wuv you" kind of stuff I usually see. Good job nonetheless! :)
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:iconautumnnight714:
AutumnNight714 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for the critique! I honestly am not sure exactly what you meant, haha I'm young and stupid and really tired, maybe i'll get it tomorrow. But I'll keep it in mind. I should probably think more about my poems and not just spit them out then?
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:iconkinglorshi:
Kinglorshi Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
No, you are not "young and stupid". Do not say such silly things!
Simply put, I found that the imagery/symbolism involving the birds and whales was out of place to me, because the rest of the poem's prose was realistic (to the point) not symbolic or surreal.

It may simply be a preference of mine, but I suggest (and I am far from being a perfect writer so take this simply as a suggestion), that if you choose to be realistic, stay realistic, and if you want to be metaphorical, go metaphorical. Putting the two together works when it's developed more, where it gradually goes from realistic to metaphorical. That's simply how I feel, but if this is what works for you, and you like it, and others like it, then do that.

I tend to spit out ideas myself. What you could do is write it down first, then think more about what you really want to say and how to get it across. And if this is what you make when you "spit it out" then I'll probably be awe-inspired by something you think about crafting. :)
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:iconautumnnight714:
AutumnNight714 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
Oh I see what you're saying. Thank you, very much, that actually helps a lot. I don't get that kind of advice and help often at all. I'll definitely keep it in mind. I'm not much of a poet, clearly haha but I am working on several books. I simply can't post them due to their rapid transformation, but that's my real passion. I believe you mentioned slightly, and it seems to me that you are, that you're a writer yourself? What do you write, generally?
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:iconkinglorshi:
Kinglorshi Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
I'm glad. I'm always afraid that my criticism, regardless of how nice I may try to put it, will end up angering the receiver, so I'm happy for that. But in the end, it is up to you! :)

Oh, well I'm into philosophy, human vices and faults, society,tragedy, "truths" (like this work here), war... The kind of stuff that isn't necessarily happy I suppose, although I'm working on that. Despite the fact I like dark and sometimes morbid themes, I don't care if they're either just dark or violent... I like purposeful works. One of my flaws is that I cannot write/read if it is to solely entertain, there must always be a point to it... So unfortunately I am very stingy with writing. I also like it when stories start off one way, but then are twisted, revealing the themes. I am uncomfortable with works which try too hard to be cool.

I plan to upload more to DA someday, which will enable me to voice my opinions on things through writing. The only thing I got now though is in my opinion a choppy poem that I rushed...

Sorry if I sound like I am advertising, it's just I'm not asked that kind of question a lot :( But thanks for asking anyways. :)
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:iconelrik117:
elrik117 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
8|..... Dam
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:iconautumnnight714:
AutumnNight714 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
yesh?
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